Inherent in being a good parent is constantly questioning whether you are a good parent or not. I discipline my children when they act out, reward them when they excel in hobbies or school, and give them chores to build a sense of responsibility and test their mettle.
I find myself going too far in my reactions, and I try to learn from those moments. I am driven by the thought that I don’t want my children to think of me as I thought of my parents, all the while tempered with the reality that I can’t prevent their perspectives as they are often irrational. They’re kids and still developing.
I find my primary role is to provide stability, love and a realistic view of the world. I want to ensure they are healthy, have access to all the opportunities available and force them to develop an imagination and sense of humor through restrictions on digital entertainment and self deprecating jokes & observations.
I want them to be better than me in every way but I am willing to accept them if they are not. I am excited to learn who they grow into as individuals and I will champion them in their dreams and goals. I give far too much advice and when I put my foot down, Hell cannot move it.
I love that my children know when to let my judgements stand but won’t hesitate to call me out if they believe they are in the right. They have the intestinal fortitude to step up to me and that forces me to adjust and learn. I would like to think I know what’s best, but I find that I’m making it all up more often than not, asking myself constantly “To what end? What am I trying to teach them by this decision?”
Least importantly and hardly worth mentioning however, I don’t give a fuck if they are Satanists. I want them to be themselves. If that means they are devoted Christians, I will love them the same as if they were Satanists. I am a Satanist, they are developing human beings.
I like to think I’m a good dad, I would like to think that I am not emotionally scarring them with every decision I make, but I am content in knowing that they know I love them and that I am trying, and that may be as good as it gets.