I smile at the world because I am presenting to the world—I practice Lesser Magic daily in my personal and professional life. But like many of you there is a darkness behind my smile. A darkness filled with life experience, loss, despair, pain, shame, regret, hunger, and perhaps worst off all, self doubt. Rather than allow my darkness to envelop me, I use it.
This was not always the case. It wasn’t until I first read that the Doktor maintained “evil” is “live” spelled backward and should be indulged in and enjoyed that I shifted my perspective. If a perceived negative truly was life and vitality, what about other perceived negatives? I know this is just a language coincidence, but the concept was as real when I first read it over 25 years ago as it is today.
My entire identity as a Satanist was born by embracing perceived evils from the Devil and fear, to sin. I faced my fears, turned away from them, and stepped back beside them. I was welcomed by them as if I were an old friend. One who had been gone for a lifetime, but is embraced upon returning. I became the embodiment of those things that I had previously granted power over me. Now I control them because I don’t try to beat them, I embrace them—I use them. I am a part of them as much as they are a part of me. I AM the monster in the darkness. I AM the fear that seizes your mind. I AM the doubts that you fight every day. I AM the embodiment of your lust. I am them, and they are me.
But again, this was not always the case. Embracing the darkness within me was not so simple an act—as I had society, culture and family to endure. I was an outcast as a child. Other boys rejected me because I was over-enthusiastic, weird, hell… different. I wanted to explore storytelling, obscure playtime narratives and to sit and create. I wanted to look at and play with girls and I wasn’t concerned with athletic prowess, though I never shied away from it. I believe that was part of the reason I was rejected by most other boys. I distinctly remember my neighbor across the street in Salem, UT challenging me to races and refusing to hang out with me when I won. He would come over and challenge me to arm wrestling, then threaten to beat me up with his friends after I beat him.
This was the narrative of my life, so I withdrew from the outer world and into myself. I became obsessed with Star Wars, He-Man, Thundercats and other toys and cartoons. The villains excited me the most. They were often alone or with a small group of other bad guys. They didn’t need the big crew of friends, they were just fine on their own. Darth Vader, Skeletor and Mumm-Ra were terrifying to behold, and I wanted to be them. And though the bumbling cartoon nature of some of these monsters made them funny and palatable, I knew there was something there that I could tap into. There was a current in the universe that gave these types their power over us, no matter how often their schemes failed and I wanted access to it. Not to simply punish or get even, but to use—to become stronger, better within myself so I didn’t need the validation I sought from those who rejected me.
I would play the role of the bad kid, the bully, the tease to extremes, until I discovered The Satanic Bible. Then I suddenly found myself. But more, I found a way to tap into those adrenal energies that I has been trying to capture since childhood. Satan presented himself and with a wave of his massive arm, revealed realities Hellscape before me. He laughed at the absurdity of the “truths” behind it all. The reality that the religions of light were obsessed with and created darkness to cower beneath. The carnal hypocrisies that were taught and executed by every man, woman and child and that the biggest braggarts were in truth small, rotten souls. He revealed that I was everything that I wanted to be, I just had to work a little harder to see it.
Satan placed a mirror before me and forced me to look deep within myself, and I did. I looked at myself from others perspectives. I noted every flaw and strength and set about working on those I wished to develop or build on. I dropped those habits that held me back or hindered my progress. I used all of those perceived negatives as fuel, fuel that drove me to the completion of my goals. Every snide comment, every thrown rock, every physical indignity became a strength. The shame I had once felt from peer pressure, social anxieties or awareness of my own quirks were fully embraced. I still feel these emotions, and they still hurt, but now I take them and use them, rather than running from them.
My greatest victories are in my real world successes. In the friends I have chosen, the family I have created and the profession I am practicing. I smile at the world because I am presenting to the world. There is a darkness behind my smile. But it’s not one that I want to move past or work through. It will stay with me, for I am Evil… and I will Live!
Hail Satan!
-Reverend Campbell